Awkward Boners

You know when you wake up in the morning feeling frisky and turn over to your man to initiate a love fest and notice that he's already got some morning wood ready for you? That's a surprise blessing boner. In contrast, when you're in class and you lean over to get a peak at your crush and notice that he's got a tent pitched in his shorts while your old man professor pontificates on the merits of Milton, that's an awkward boner. Don't get me wrong, Milton rules, but worthy of a classroom boner? I think not.

Did you know there's a whole blog dedicated to awkward boners? I didn't but I'm sure as hell glad I do now. They even have a feature where you can vote on if the boner is understandable or awkward!

In celebration of the season of swimming and sun, I bring you some photos of awkward summer boners from the awkward boners blog.

Beach boners are hard (ha ha!) because there are so many scantily clad ladies around. I can almost understand this wood.

Falling asleep after viewing so many bikinis has gotta lead to sweet dreams. As evidenced here.

This kid probably got a boner from seeing his own hot body in the pool mirror. That or he just kicked someone's ass in the 100 breast stoke.

(For T-bag)

Funny Lady

In November Tina Fey will be awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American humor, the most prestigious humor prize in the country. Hells yeah! Fey, 40, is the youngest comedian to be honored and just the third woman (after Lily Tomlin and Whoopie Goldberg). Fey released a statement saying she's psyched and that Betty White must have been "disqualified for steroid use."

Fey has been a PoolBoy favorite since her days writing (first woman head writer, what what!) and performing on SNL. Plus, who doesn't love a lady who came up in Chicago's Second City improv group (yay Illinois!)? Fey's work on NBC's 30 Rock, which is probably the funniest show on TV right now, has provided our generation with a shit ton of hilarious one liners like, "I'm Lizzing!," "ROBOT PENIS," "never go with a hippie to a second location," and "didn’t you tell me to live every week like it’s Shark Week? And that nothing’s impossible except dinosaurs?" among many, many others, which can be heard constantly in homes and retail establishments across the country. She's fucking funny.

I've included one of my favorite SNL Weekend Update clips below, the notorious "Bitch is the New Black." Jump to 1:29.



Now, however you feel about Hilary Clinton, Fey's humor in this clip is witty and to the point: we had a serious female candidate for President and the media was sexist as shit while trying to discredit her. Call her a bitch? Yeah, she IS a bitch, and so are many strong women who have to speak their minds to a society rife with sexism. Clinton didn't get the nomination and Obama is now our President, but Clinton made miles and miles of new road on America's way to it's first female President, just as Tina Fey has for feminism (she dares to use the word on TV!) and women in comedy.

Congrats, Liz Lemon, you deserve the hell out of this award.

(USA Today / NBC)

Paul Rudd needs to impregnate me asap

Jiz Is My Name

haha jiz is so fucking pro-choice only dead things come out of her vagina!

Dirty Poems Pt. II

My lady Jamie is a poet to be reckoned with. Below is another of her dirty ghazals, entitled:


A Plea from a Rejected Fuck Buddy (m)


I hear what you’re saying, but look down at my penis.

You know how well I can wield this penis.

Our repetitively secret one-night trysts

are like Miracle-Gro to my penis.

Imagine the muscles, the angles, the places you’ve kissed.

They’re nothing compared to where I’ve stuck my penis.

We could welcome a third—I have a list—

as long as there are boobies and no penis.

I’ll go to dinner without hand-holding, if you get the gist.

Just know I’m open to those hands gripping my penis.

You’re busy? But baby, I won’t use my fist

like I did before. I’ll use my penis.

You’re trying to make me jealous. I pretend I haven’t been dissed.

Good luck, I’ve seen him in the bathroom with his baby penis.

I, the Rejected Fuck Buddy, hate it when I’m not missed.

I’ll meet your friends, I’ll go on dates! Come back to my penis.

I Used to Run A Soup Kitchen In My Pants

For my Bookish PoolGirls

I've had jobs before where, when there's downtime, the lowly staff entertains themselves by watching music videos on YouTube, planning and detonating corn bombs (only fellow detasselers should understand that), or what have you (I once carved the JFK assassination into a pumpkin for a Halloween contest at work, just saying). Wanna know what bookish types do when it's slow at bookish jobs? Try looking through the hilarious lists on GoodReads (it's like Facebook for book nerds). Compiled by pool girl Laura, who loves to quote Spring Breakdown to me all the live long day, below are some of the best GoodReads user-created book lists.

First we have "Hottest Guy on a Cover." That one is pretty obvious. Most of the books look like romance novels and, surprisingly, there are lots of books about the Beatles. What I don't get about this list though, is why you can't see almost all of these hot cover dudes' faces. I suppose these could also be contenders for "Dude, Where's My Forehead?"

Next we have lists made by horny women. There's "Characters You Most Want to Sleep With," which obviously has Twilight's Edward Cullen in the top spot. Now, I'd bang R-Patz every which way, but the character Edward Cullen? I'm outing myself as a nerd here just by admitting I've read the atrocious Twilight series, but really Goodreads ladies? You'd like to bang a dead dude who is 100 years older than you, has killed people and probably wants to kill you, is rock hard like a statue (and not just downstairs!), and is given to stalkerish behavior like watching girls sleep, telling them who they can and cannot hang out with, and verbally belittling their intelligence and decision making skills as well as being prone to bouts of uncontrollable rage? Nice pick. Unfortunately, most of the "horney lady" lists are about paranormal romance (see JR Ward and Charlaine Harris) or teen romance (see Shiver). What are red blooded, adult, intelligent, independent women reading? My guess is they're not on Goodreads because they're too busy reading the PoolBoy blog!

Finally, we have an assortment of lists about gay male characters. There are a ton of these. From "Best Gay Furry Lovers" and "Worst Gay Book Covers" to "Best Gay Cinderfellas," Goodreads is innundated with lists about gay men. Where are all the lists about books full of straight male characters? There are some (yes but they're all about Edward Cullen!) but nothing like the number of lists about hot gay characters. Just like in the search for porn for women, straight ladies always seem to get the shaft (haha!).

There are some lists to make your downtime at work fly by. Check them out and get reading!

Stoner Chicks

If you're not already aware, we are constantly decrying the lack of lady stoner flicks available. I love me some green ladies. And while stoner flicks make for big laughs in Hollywood, apparently only as long as everyone involved (I mean really involved, not just the love interest) has a dick. Don't tell me ladies are not as funny stoned. Everyone is funny stoned. That's like a scientific fact or some shit.

But there's sill hope! There's Best Buds coming out soon and I hope it's good. And then there's Smiley Face, a stoner comedy featuring Anna Faris as Jane:

Jane is a giggly, flirty goofball whose perpetual buzz is cranked up several notches when she scarfs a plateful of cannabis-spiked muffins baked by her roommate. Intending to bake a replacement batch, she orders a large amount of product from a dealer (a dreadlocked, droll Adam Brody) whom she can’t afford to pay; accidentally destroys her cellphone while cooking the muffins; then arrives late to an audition for a strait-laced casting agent who reports her drug use to the police; and so on.

And it's a pretty good movie! Faris is totally committed as Jane. She's spacey, cute, and believable. Plus, her character is badass. Jane gets into an argument with her dealer in which she schools him about Reaganomics and later impersonates a Union organizer at a meat packing plant and fantasizes about going off on a Marxist rant about labor oppression. Of course she can't really go off on such a monologue, not because she's just a girl and doesn't know about Marxist theory, but because she's really freaking stoned and everything comes out sounding ridiculous.



Yet, while there are some big laughs in Smiley Face, I felt like something was missing. SEX. Jane gets dumped by her boyfriend for being too much of a stoner at the beginning of the movie, and even though dudes are into her throughout the film, she's too out of it to recognize their signals or even care. At one point, a cute delivery truck driver helps her out with a ride and Jane starts getting sultry and asking him if being high makes him horny. I was excited for some hot stone and bone action at this point, but turns out Jane wasn't really saying that, the dude was just imagining it. Boner killer! Faris is really convincing as a clueless stoner, but I don't know a lady stoner out there who knows of the glory of the stone and bone and doesn't at least think about it when stizoned. Plus, there's major boobage in all the dude stoner movies, I just want a little equality. I'll settle for a little peen flash ala Jason Segal or even implied cunnilingus. Just throw us ladies a boner now and again!

Beaten to the Bong

It was with excitement and a little disappointment that I learned from Jezebel about Best Buds, a girl stoner movie in the works staring Natalie Portman. I say I felt a little disappointment only because the lovely lady of leisure and I had been working on something similar (and I don't mean just being best buds and smoking a lot of weed, though we do that as well). Best Buds is apparently a stoner lady movie with "a road trip and a wedding at its center, with female friends hitting the road to cure a bride friend's woes with weed."

It's so nice to see movies with female comedians as the stars and also to see the myth about ladies not liking green dispelled in a big public way. Best Buds screenwriter Jamie Denbo feels the same way, and she realized it watching Knocked Up:

The galvanizing moment for Denbo was the scene in Knocked Up when Katherine Heigl's character makes Seth Rogen's give up his bong. "It just seemed like a metaphor of, 'Put down the bong and we can get married.' That's not how it goes in my house. It's more like, 'Hey, you're pregnant, maybe stop smoking weed for fucking five minutes," jokes Denbo, who is the mother of two. "That was never the women that I knew."

Lady speaks the truth! Denbo also knows what's up concerning dick jokes:

...dick jokes may have reached their peak. "They've gotten to a point with dick jokes that now they have to show a dick for it to be funny," says Denbo, pointing to Jason Segal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I dream of the day when almost every big actor has shown his dick in a movie, like most women now with their breasts. If it's gotten to the point where ya gotta show some peen now to get laughs from a dick joke then we are well on our way.

Back to Best Buds, I'm glad someone has finally made a stoner chick movie. Fingers crossed that it lives up to such classics as How High and Harold and Kumar, just with dicks instead of all the boobs.

Speaking of funny ladies and weed, remember Garfunkel and Oates?

I love cake

Via feministe.

Your brain on Durex

At first I thought these new Durex ads were pretty sweet. They're so simple and sometimes when having sex it can feel like one's whole body is just a sea of single thoughts. But some of the thoughts on these ads are a little creepy. I get the "tasty" in her throat and "satisfied" and "contented" running up her legs and even the "fruit" that her loins are thinking (and "tousled" in her hair is great), but what's with her boobs thinking "boobs" over and over? My boobs are usually thinking "touch me!" when I find myself in this position.

And what's with the dude's body mostly thinking "fatal error" while his man parts suddenly become "intelligence" and "wisdom"? I haven't met a lot of dudes whose dicks struck me as suddenly wise and intelligent when they found said cock in my mouth.

Want to see what ladies are thinking when we're actually getting some deep dicking? The Sexist breaks down how female orgasms happen in mythological afterlives while Jezebel takes us through where "confused" comes in while ladies ride on top (see below).

"The most annoying thing about these ads is that they have the potential to be really good - if they made a little more sense. The female body is shown as a complex textbook of emotions, while men are reduced to one single thought (or less). Naturally, Krahne wants to play up the sexy part of sex, but wouldn't it be funnier if the oral sex-woman was thinking about "suction," "teeth," "knee pain" or if we wanted to be really honest, "this condom tastes like a Fruit Roll-Up that has been sprayed with Lysol." Also, we appreciate that it takes a certain about of strain to maintain that position for men, but it's not exactly a cakewalk for us either. Finally, maybe instead of "confusion," a woman on the brink of an orgasm could be shown thinking "hells yes!" or at the very least "don't stop." " (Jezebel)

Very Bad Porn

VeryBadPorn.com. There really are no words. Except for these words (borrowed from verybadporn.com):

"THREE PEOPLE HAVING SEX IS THE CHARM

So this guy is walking down the street, and out of NOWHERE he sees these two girls and they are so hot, both of them are incredibly hot. They just walk over to him and are like: “want to have sex in the park with us with condoms?” He’s like “YEAH!” because it’s going to be awesome because it’s sex with two girls at once, but he’s using protection so it’s pretty safe to have casual sex. Although he had heard that a condom is not 100% preventitive, it’s pretty close, and he really wants to have sex with these two random girls because it’s a threesome and also it’s totally random. They both look pretty clean too, although he totally knows from ads and stuff that you can’t tell just by looking at someone, but everyone makes that initial judgment. So they go behind a park building and start having sex, and they are loving it. They’re all having sex with each other in all the different combinations possible, and then a park ranger is like “Hey get out of here!” And they say “want to join the party” actually the girls say that, and he says “No! I’m a Park Ranger, I’m on duty, and my responsibility is to make sure these parks are appropriate for people to enjoy on this Sunday afternoon and every day that I work here.” So they get dressed real quick and then all go to work. He promises not to run over and over in his mind if those girls were slutty, and if they may have STDs, because he can’t tell, and it’s too late now, he already made the decision to have sex with them, so it doesn’t do anything to just keep running it over and over in his mind. He shouldn’t have had casual sex in the first place, he knows that, but it was one of his fantasies and who knows if he’ll ever have another chance to do it again? It’s hard with stuff like that.

-Chelsea"

Panties wet yet? And the pictures are just as good.

Someone buy me this verybadporn shirt.

DIY in 2010

As we head into 2010 the economy is still lagging and times still hard for today's working lady. We need to get creative about finding jobs and other ways to survive and thrive. Think outside the box and all that crap. But if Meghann Rosales of Jug Wine comix can't find a job with this vesume than we're all screwed.



Check out the first issue of PoolBoy Magazine, coming spring 2010, to see more Jug Wine comix.

The Spirits will be here

All this talk about New Moon (or Twilight 2 as our local theater called it) on this blog! But our collective culture can't help but want to sex up, hate, make fun of and then sex up again this tween drama and its hot male co-stars.

Here's a really funny video by Creek/Seminole director Sterlin Harjo of a spoof of the auditions for the New Moon 'Wolfpack'

tradish:

New Moon Wolf Pack Auditions from sterlinharjo on Vimeo.


Native dudes = hot to the max