So I went to a best friend’s wedding this past weekend. I was a bridesmaid, something that I’ve never done.
Weddings do a lot to you. They make you eat and drink too much, they make you think about love. They also make you horny. While listening to the Rabbi talk about what love and marriage mean and what makes people want to get married and stay married, all I could think of was how I was going to get into the pants of the groom’s hot cousin with the Jew fro.
After the ceremony, the party began and my attempts at a hook up with Jew-fro cousin were going really well. We hung out during the party, gettin' a little tipsy. I sat by him on the party bus back to the hotel and then we went up to his room and started fooling around. I asked if he had a condom, he said no, I said I had one in my room (cuz im prepared like that, what what) and left to go get it. I got to my room and realized I didn't have my room key on me. So I went downstairs to the front desk, got a key, went back up to my room, and got the condom. But by then I had drunkenly forgotten what room the dude was in. I knocked on a ton of doors trying to find him but alas, no hot dude. I don't even remember if I was on the right floor. I was pretty drunk at that point.
So I gave up and went to bed. That's right ladies, I failed at a hook up because I couldn't remember what room the dude was in.
The next day in the lobby he was like "what happened last night?" I told him the story and he laughed. Awkwardly, we were on the same flight back to Phoenix (where he connected to L.A.) but thankfully he had a sense of humor (I don't bang - or fail at banging - unfunny people) and we were able to joke about the whole thing.
I am actually kinda bummed I didn't bag him. That's what weddings are for right?
Every time I attend a friend’s wedding (which is getting more and more often) I just can’t help but fall in love with love and weddings and parties and hot cousins. Weddings are one of the best aphrodisiacs because they put all the right pieces in place for some hot sex: food, alcohol, dancing, happiness, out-of-town relatives, hotels, jacuzzis, and more alcohol.
Except for my FAIL at hooking up with the groom's cousin, I did all the required things a bridesmaid should do at her best friend's wedding:
- During my bridesmaid speech, I embarrassed several of the bride’s ex-boyfriends in attendance at the wedding when I stated that “I’ve never liked any of your boyfriends before this one.”
- I ate too much food and almost couldn’t fit into my bridesmaid dress.
- I offered the “Last chance, are you sure you want to do this? You can jump ship right now” speech to the bride as I helped her get dressed.
- I cried too much when I saw her in her beautiful gown walking down the aisle.
- I took too many photos.
- I drank too much champagne.
- I danced awkwardly to rap music.